THE ART OF SELF-DISCOVERY by NATHANIEL BRANDEN

The following quotations are from the above book that explains the way you can use sentence completion to help a person better understand themself. Social workers are always talking about the self-determination and empowerment of our clients. However, these are often impossible values to realize in our practice, unless we help our clients move toward ever deeper understanding of the forces that motivate their behavior. Sentence completion can be one of the more effective methods we can employ to assist our clients in their struggle toward self-awareness, and through self-awareness, to gain meaningful self-determination and empowerment. The method of sentence completion, is particularly relevant when we are talking about empowerment because the client can learn to do it on their own. Also, the social worker who is knowledgeable about sentence completion, can also utilize it to better understand themself. Often, one of the greatest deterrents to having a client move toward self-determination and empowerment is the social worker inhibiting the growth process due to the social worker's own failure to understand themself.

"In order to be a competent parent and to understand the emotions and needs of a child, we must be in contact with the child within us, the child we once were. If we are alienated from our own capacity for love, or our own need for love, we will not understand the emotion of love in another. If we are cut off from our own excitement, the excitement of others will bewilder or annoy us. My aim is to offer the reader a method of self-understanding with a potential of incalculable power: the sentence-completion technique. (The technique can be used with individuals and groups, in seminars and workshops.)" pp. 4-5.

"Do you know what situations trigger anger in you, and what you typically do in those situations, and by what means you sometimes try to conceal your anger, and in what disguised form your anger comes out? Do you know what circumstances stimulate feelings of happiness in you, and what you sometimes do when you are happy, and by what means you sometimes try to conceal your happiness,and why you might feel driven to conceal it?" p. 8.

"The essence of all effective psychotherapy is to shatter imaginary limits that inhibit our possibilities for aliveness, achievement, love, and joy---to facilitate our discovering how much more we are capable of than we ordinarily recognize. Sentence-completion work, while only one tool within the wider context of comprehensive psychotherapy, does offer a strikingly effective means of doing a form of therapy on your own, with you yourself as teacher and custodian of your growth" pp. 10-11.

CASE EXAMPLE OF SENTENCE COMPLETION THERAPY

"It was Janet's first day in group. She was thirty-nine years old, a computer programmer, and separated from her husband after a marriage of twelve years. She remained silent throughout most of the session, which is not unusual for people attending group for the first time. But her face reflected an anguished mixture of pain and fear with (if one looked carefully) a subtle undertone of rage. Finally she asked if she could work on a particular problem that was causing her great distress.

"She spoke about her marriage, her increasing sense of misery and alienation from her husband over the years, her lifelong sense of loneliness and isolation, the anxiety she could rarely shake off. 'Whenever I feel powerful, it frightens me.'

"When she explained that she had recently entered a new relationship with a man, and that she was feeling 'very vulnerable and open and scared.' I encouraged her to elaborate, and she continued: 'I've been walking around for a couple of weeks telling myself all kinds of reasons why this new relationship won't work, won't last. If only I had never married. If only I were already divorced and everything was long behind me. If only I didn't have three kids. And then I sat down one night and thought that none of these excuses made any sense. If only I could just enjoy what's happening. Be happy. But it's like I don't deserve it.'

"In earlier books (THE PSYCHOLOGY OF ROMANTIC LOVE and HONORING THE SELF) I have written about a phenomenon I call 'happiness anxiety.' It is a problem generally associated with low self-esteem. Self-esteem is the experience that we are competent to cope with the challenges of life and that we are deserving of happiness. When a person of low self-esteem finds him- or herself happy, there is a feeling of inappropriateness about it, the sense that 'this is not my destiny, this is not the way my life is supposed to be.' So happiness generates anxiety, a feeling of impending calamity. Within five minutes of speaking, Janet seemed to exemplify this problem with almost textbook clarity. 'This is awful,' she was saying. 'I wanted to...I knew that if I came today, I would talk. I've just been putting things off because I'm so scared. I'm ruining my relationship. Crying all the time. Saying things to drive him away.'

"This, too, fit the pattern. If happiness makes us anxious, if we feel we don't deserve it, a deeper part of our mind---the subconscious---produces a 'solution': destroy the happiness. Then the anxiety will diminish. 'Are you in love with this man?' I asked. "Yes, but I don't want to be.' 'You don't want to be?' 'No, because it hurts too much.'

"She went on to describe how she continually told herself she was going to be hurt; any minute something terrible was going to happen. When I asked her if the man she loved gave any signs of being a disappointment, she insisted that he was wonderful, the kindest man she had ever known. 'But I'm not supposed to be happy. I just know it.' Her parents had divorced when she was five, and she had been raised by her grandparents, who frequently pointed out the sacrifices they were making on her behalf. When she was disobedient, one or the other would say to her, 'No wonder your daddy left your mommy. No wonder neither of them hardly ever comes to see you.'

"Thus it was made clear to her, very early, that she was 'bad.' She used to wonder how she could make her grandparents, whom she described as typically cold and remote, love her; but it seems she never found the way. 'I'd like us to do some sentence-completion work,' I said. 'Please invite someone in the group to be your partner, then sit on the floor opposite each other, and I'll explain how to proceed.' Although the use of a partner is not essential in sentence-completion work, as we shall see, it can be helpful. The simple fact of addressing another living consciousness heightens the reality of the experience, heightens the reality of what one is saying. Allowing another person to hear our thoughts, we sometimes hear them more clearly ourselves.

"When Janet was seated on the floor, I said to her partner, 'Your job is just to listen. Stay connected with Janet. See her. Let her experience your presence.' To Janet I said, 'The essential idea in sentence completion is that I give you an incomplete sentence, and you keep repeating the stem putting a different ending to the sentence each time. Don't worry if each statement is literally true or if one ending conflicts with another. Don't worry if what you say makes sense. You can sort that out later. After a while, I'll give you a different stem and you carry on with that---okay? One more thing: Please don't interrupt yourself once we begin, don't comment on your endings, don't apologize, don't explain---just keep rolling. Look into your partner's eyes and direct all your statements to him.'

"When sentence completion is done this way, I call it a two-person sentence-completion exercise. (You can do it in a group by going round to each member and giving a different ending---one person giving seven endings to seven members of the group for one stem.)

"I said to Janet, 'Let's begin with the stem

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL....

"She responded as follows

EVER SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL....

I've been miserable.

I've been unhappy.

I've been crazy.

I felt God was punishing me.

I felt Daddy's leaving was my fault.

"I cut in: 'Fine. Now let's switch to

I LEARNED I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY WHEN...

As instructed, she kept repeating my stem and adding a different ending each time:

I was blamed.

I was left with my grandparents.

I felt guilty.

GUILT TO ME MEANS...

I'm wrong.

I've been bad.

I'm hated.

No one cares.

People look at me with contempt.

I disobey.

I...they let me know I was no good.

IF MOTHER HAD DEFENDED ME...

I would have felt loved.

She would have cared.

I would have been important.

I would have mattered to someone.

I would have been happy.

My feelings would be important.

IF MY FATHER HAD LOVED ME...

He wouldn't have left my mother.

He would have let me know.

He would have stayed.

I'd have had a father.

IF IT TURNS OUT I AM NOT A BAD PERSON AND NEVER WAS...

I don't understand what happened.

Nothing makes sense.

It's all been for nothing.

My whole life is a mistake.

I have no family.

I'm on my own.

It's very upsetting to think about.

I don't want to think that.

IF I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE HAPPY...

It won't last.

I don't deserve it.

Something terrible will happen.

I'd have to let go of my family.

It would be wonderful.

It would be strange.

The past would be finished.

No one would know what I've been through.

I wouldn't know how to live.

They wouldn't know what they did to me.

They would think everything was okay.

They wouldn't feel guilty.

ONE OF THE WAYS I REVENGE MYSELF AGAINST MY FAMILY IS...

I stay miserable.

I wreck my life.

I talk about my childhood.

I have a rotten love life.

I tell myself I'm unlovable.

I make sure the whole family knows.

IT IS SLOWLY AND RELUCTANTLY DAWNING ON ME THAT...

I keep myself unhappy.

Suffering is familiar.

I want people to see my pain.

I've never given myself a chance.

I'm filled with resentment.

Resentment is eating up my life.

I place happiness last.

I like flaunting hurt.

There's a pay-off for my misery.

I don't think I deserve better.

I do think I'm entitled to better.

I could be happy right now.

I could really surrender---and enjoy.

I would like to try that.

I wonder if I'm ready.

Nothing's stopping me.

"This seemed as much as she could reasonably be expected to absorb at one session, so I paused at this point. (Later she could play back the audio-recording of her work at home, which is something I ask all my clients to do. In fact, I stress the importance of replaying the tape several times.)" pp. 15-22.

ANOTHER CASE EXAMPLE: DEALING WITH PROCRASTINATION

THE GOOD THING ABOUT PROCRASTINATING IS...

I don't make mistakes.

I don't get criticized for not doing things right.

I can think of ways to be better.

If the work isn't perfect, I have an explanation.

I can't fail.

I can daydream.

I can fantasize being a star.

I feel young.

I'm still getting ready.

My life hasn't really begun yet.

THE BAD THING ABOUT BEGINNING IS...

It's a commitment.

It means growing up.

I'm an adult.

I'm responsible.

I can do it wrong.

I might make a mistake.

WHEN I CATCH MYSELF MAKING A MISTAKE...

I reproach myself.

I tell myself I'm not perfect.

I give myself a hard time.

I suffer.

I imagine I'll be ridiculed.

I imagine I'.. be condemned.

I condemn myself.

IF I GAVE MYSELF A RIGHT TO MAKE MISTAKES...

I wouldn't procrastinate.

I'd accomplish more.

I'd make fewer mistakes.

I'd have to give up the picture of myself as perfect.

I'd grow up.

I'd enjoy my life.

I wonder if I'd still be so afraid of becoming an adult.

BY THAT I MEAN...

I'm afraid of dying.

I'm afraid of...don't know.

Staying young keeps me alive.

Young people don't die.

If your whole life is ahead of you, you're immortal.

If you're---what am I saying?

I AM BECOMING AWARE...

I get a lot of mileage out of this problem.

I'm scared of growing old.

I'm scared of growing up.

I'm scared of dying.

Procrastinating puts off death.

This is ridiculous.

I'm going to get old, anyway.

Fear of death is taking my life.

I've been kidding myself.

I'm accomplishing nothing.

I know why I procrastinate.

"By allowing himself fully to confront and experience these fears, rather than disown them, he was able to drain them of their power to control him...Since procrastination is a problem for a great many people, I imagine that more than a few readers will recognize themselves in some of (these) endings. There are, of course, other possible causes of procrastination: a hunger to live on the edge; a need for the intensity of last-minute pressure; a rebellion against authority; anger and defiance against tasks we do not wish to perform. But I cannot recall ever working with a procrastinator who needed more than one session to reach, via sentence completion, the motives of his or her behavior" (pp. 30-31).

SENTENCE COMPLETION IN A GROUP

Group Instruction: "The less you think about what you're going to say, the better. You can do your thinking later. I'll give a stem to the person on my immediate left. That person will repeat my stem and put an ending on it. Then the next person will repeat the same stem and put another ending on it. Then the next person, and so on. At some point, I'll introduce a new stem. Whoever is next in the circle picks up that stem and finishes it, and we continue. And so on. Someone asked, 'Suppose I can't think of anything to say?' 'Invent.' 'Even if it makes no sense?' YES!" (pp. 31-32).

EXAMPLES OF STEMS USED WITH THE GROUP

One of the things I'd like you to know about me is...

One of the things I don't want you to know about me is...

All my life...

If I were willing to admit how much I secretly like myself...

The good thing about pretending self-dislike is...

If I were more honest about my feelings...

If the tears behind my eyes could speak, they would tell you...

If I were willing to be vulnerable...

If I were willing to let you hear the music inside me...

The scary thing about letting you hear my music is...

If I surrender to the process of change...

I am becoming aware...

Right now it's obvious that...

"When we 'give ourselves' to sentence completion, we enter an altered state of consciousness...Thinking and analyzing can be fine---but we do them later, as a separate mental activity in a separate context. Often, however, we find that very little analysis is needed, because the material we produce is almost entirely self-explanatory. What we do need, particularly for the generation of change, is to spend significant time simply looking at the endings we produce and SILENTLY MEDITATING ON THEM" (p. 38).

BE CAREFUL ABOUT ASSUMING THAT WHAT YOU COME UP WITH IS REALITY

"A client's fantasies concerning his or her parents' attitudes are by no means infallible. Sometimes those fantasies---along with alleged childhood memories to support them---are mistaken. The client's beliefs are to be respected, at least initially, since they are part of the model of reality with which he or she is operating. Later, they may have to be challenged and corrected" (p. 46).

Sometimes you want to interrupt the client and get them to examine what they are coming up with in the process of sentence completion.

"Once more I asked her to pause. 'How do you feel about your endings?' I asked. 'They feel right.'

"Good. Close your eyes...breathe gently and deeply. And meditate on that...on everything you've been saying...and on the deeper meanings...which your subconscious mind can process in its own way...opening doors to new possibilities...later...whenever and however it is best for you.'

"The reader may wonder what, precisely, I am saying at this point. Very simply, I am laying a foundation for change. By conveying the idea that 'at the right time' (the client) will be able, at a subconscious level, to process her new learning in such a way that new and better options will occur to her. I say 'at a subconscious level' because so many of the integrations that precede growth occur outside of ordinary awareness, although they are usually aided by integrations that are at least partially conscious. It is useful to remember that all healing is ultimately self-healing. A psychotherapist is a coach, a facilitator" (p. 53-54).

That final admonition is very important. It is at the core of self-determination and empowerment. It is also very important that, if you are going to utilize the knowledge from this book, you should first use it on yourself. Then you should practice it with a colleague. Then with loved ones and friends. Only when you are thoroughly grounded in the process should you use it with clients. And, one final admonition, remember that this is only part of a total program of help that the client may need.