REACHING OUT by David W. Johnson

Special Note: when you read this book you should do some of the exercises and be ready to submit a report on what you learned about yourself from doing the exercises. This report will be part of the test on the REACHING OUT book.

"...cycle of social interaction...(a) perceiving (sensing, organizing, interpreting) the other person's action, (b) deciding how to respond, and (c) taking action...(the cycle) is fundamental to all interpersonal interaction" (p. 4). Note: although this is in general accurate, their is a very important exception. Not all responses involve cerebral decisions involving how to respond. Humans, in situations of danger and anger, are programmed to frequently respond WITHOUT thinking about it. This "anger response" is very important to understand, because if we are to create a less violent society, we need to begin to train individuals on how to learn to think and to make decisions about how to respond when they begin to get angry, so that they don't commit acts that damage themselves and others.

"Perception is the process of gathering sensory information and assigning meaning to it...Perception provides a unique, though not necessarily an accurate view of events. Sometimes the level of inaccuracy is insignificant; sometimes you completely misperceive what is taking place. What we perceive is affected by many factors, including our expectations" (pp. 4-5).

"As you enter the repeating cycle of social interaction you have (1) a set of goals based on your needs, interests, personality, and relevant roles, (2) a set of roles (male or female, adult or child, teacher or student, host or guest) that affect how you interact with the other person, and (3) a mood based on personality, past events, another's behavior, physical setting, and significance of the interaction" (p. 5).

"Finally, we receive feedback as other people react to what we say and do in the situation. On the basis of the feedback, we adjust our goals, reinterpret our roles, and refine our understanding of the rules" (p. 6).

Self-Awareness

"There are a number of ways of becoming more self-aware. The first way is introspection...Introspection does (Frost would say "can" not "does" because introspection can become obsessive and part of the problem rather than part of the solution.) help you become more aware of who you are and how you are feeling and reacting...you may sometimes make up reasons that seem plausible and come to mind easily. Such reasons are often incorrect, but you can convince yourself that they are true (thus changing your attitudes and future reactions). Introspection is almost always a good idea, but it has its limits.

"The second way involves observing yourself in order to understand how you are feeling and reacting and what is causing these feelings.

"Third, when you explain your feelings, perceptions, reactions, and experiences in words, they become clearer, better organized, and take on new meanings. Explaining your reactions and feelings to other people can lead to new insights into yourself and your experiences. Most types of psychotherapy and many new classroom learning procedures are based on the premise that oral explanation results in high-level reasoning and deeper-level understanding. (It can also become a clever game in which you avoid honestly coming to terms with your world.)

"A fourth way of becoming more self-aware is to compare yourself to others. (Which can be narcissistic.)

"A fifth way of becoming more self-aware is to interact with a wide variety of diverse people.

"Sixth, you can increase your self-awareness by requesting feedback from other people as to how they see you and how they are reacting to your behavior" (pp. 37-9). (But you should carefully select this other person.)

"The effectiveness of your behavior depends in large measure on your self-awareness; your self-awareness depends in large part upon receiving feedback from other individuals; the quality of the feedback you receive from other persons depends largely upon how much you self-disclose; how much you self-disclose depends largely on your self-acceptance and your willingness to trust the other person. In order to improve your interpersonal effectiveness, you need to be aware of the consequences of your behavior and decide whether those consequences match your intentions. Interpersonal effectiveness is the degree to which the consequences of your behavior match your intentions...You may improve your interpersonal effectiveness by disclosing your intentions, receiving feedback on your behavior, and modifying your behavior until other individuals perceive it as you intend it (that is, until your behavior has the consequences you intend it to have)" (pp. 46-7).

Note: if you look over the above formula closely, you will see that you can do something else to improve your interpersonal effectiveness. SELF-ACCEPTANCE is a profound part of this formula and YOU have total control over the degree of self-acceptance you possess. Self-acceptance is developed according to the level of expectations you create for yourself and the successes and/or skills you create. The higher the level of expectations the higher the level of successes/skills you must have---and the opposite also holds so that all you have to do to increase your self-acceptance is to lower your level of expectations. Hmmmmmmmm.............obviously you want to find a balance that works for you.

DEVELOPING AND MAINTAINING TRUST

"Trust includes the following elements:

"1. You are in a situation where a choice to trust another person can lead to either beneficial or harmful consequences for your needs and goals. Thus, you realize there is a risk involved in trusting.

"2. You realize that whether beneficial consequences or harmful consequences result depends on the actions of another person.

"3. You expect to suffer more if the harmful consequences result than you will gain if the beneficial consequences result.

"4. You feel relatively confident that the other person will behave in such a way that the beneficial consequences will result.

"...whether you will gain or lose depends upon the behavior of the other person" (p. 74).

Note: this is the "norm"....BUT you don't have to let it be! Your ATTITUDE can change negative to positive! You can trust a person and no matter what happens you can view the consequences that result as beneficial.

Helpful Hints About Trust

"1. Trust is a very complex concept...

" 2. Trust exists in relationships, not in someone's personality.

"3. Trust is constantly changing as two people interact.

"4. Trust is hard to build and easy to destroy.

"5. The key to building and maintaining trust is being trustworthy.

"6. Trust needs to be appropriate. Never trusting and always trusting are inappropriate.

Note: this is where I disagree with the authors. Always trust God. Always trust yourself and that you are in ultimate attitudinal control.

"7. Cooperation increases trust, competition decreases trust. Trust generally is higher among collaborators than among competitors.

Note: therefore, develop a cooperative relationship with God. Make God a collaborator in your life.

"8. Initial trusting and trustworthy actions within a relationship can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. The expectations you project about trust often influence the actions of other people towards you" (p. 75). Note: and that is precisely why trusting God and making God a partner in your life changes your attitude and can make trusting a "safe" action than cannot lead to harmful consequences.

Remember now, I am assuming that, if you are making God a partner, then you are living your life according to God's principles---this is true no matter what prophet's message you are heeding: Krishna, Moses, Zoroaster, Buddah, Christ, Muhammad, the Bab, or Baha'u'llah.

INCREASING YOUR COMMUNICATION SKILLS

"The skills of sending messages include the following:

"1. Clearly 'own' your messages by using first person singular pronouns: I, my.

"2. Make your messages complete and specific.

"3. Make your verbal and nonverbal messages congruent.

"4. Be redundant.

"5. Ask for feedback concerning the way your messages are being received.

"6. Make the message appropriate to the receiver's frame of reference.

"7. Describe your feelings by name, action, or figure of speech.

"8. Describe other people's behavior without evaluating or interpreting" (pp. 112-3).

SENDER CREDIBILITY

"Sender credibility refers to the attitude the receiver has towards the trustworthiness of the sender's statements. Several dimensions affect the credibility of the sender:

"1. The reliability of the sender as an information source---the sender's dependability, predictability, and consistency.

"2. The intentions of the sender or the sender's motives.

"3. The expression of warmth and friendliness.

"4. The majority opinion of other people concerning the trustworthiness of the sender.

"5. The sender's relevant expertise on the topic under discussion.

"6. The dynamism of the sender. A dynamic sender is seen as aggressive, emphatic, and forceful and tends to be viewed as more credible than a more passive sender" (pp. 113-4).

"When deciding how to phrase a message, you need to consider:

"1. The receiver's perspective.

"2. What the receiver already knows about the issue.

"3. What further information the receiver needs and wants about the issue.

"There is no skill more important for effective communication than taking into consideration the other person's perspective" (p. 137).

WHEN FEELINGS ARE NOT EXPRESSED

"There are several difficulties that arise when feelings are not recognized, accepted, and expressed constructively.

"1. Suppressing and denying your feelings can create relationship problems. Note: expressing your feelings can also destroy good relationships! Therefore, you have to know how to express feeling constructively and know when NOT to express them at all!

"2. Suppressing and denying your feelings can interfere with the constructive diagnosis and resolution of relationship problems.

"3. Denying your feelings can result in selective perception.

"4. Suppressing your feelings can bias your judgments.

"5. Implying a demand while expressing your feelings can create a power struggle. many times feelings are expressed in ways that demand changes in the receiver's behavior.

"6. Other people often ask you to suppress or deny your feelings" (pp. 153-4).

Note: I would add a very important seventh difficulty....

7. Suppressing your feelings can cause both emotional and physical illness!