CONFLICT STRATEGIES

"There are five basic strategies that may be used to manage conflicts:

1. The Turtle (withdrawing). If you act like a turtle you give up both your goals and the relationship and, therefore, you avoid the other person and the issue. Avoiding a hostile stranger may be the best thing to do. Or you may wish to withdraw from a conflict until you and the other person have calmed down and are in control of your feelings.

2. The Shark (Forcing). If you act like a shark you try to achieve your goals at all costs, demanding that the other person let you have your way, no matter how much it hurts the relationship. When the goal is very important but the relationship is not, such as when you are buying a used car, you may want to act like a shark and use force. Never use force with someone you will have to relate to again soon.

3. The Teddy Bear (Smoothing). If you act like a teddy bear you give up your goals in order to maintain the relationship at the highest level possible. When the goal is of no importance to you but the relationship is of high importance, you may want to act like a teddy bear and smooth....do so with good humor.

4. The Fox (Compromising). If you act like a fox you give up part of your goals and sacrifice part of the relationship in order to reach an agreement.

5. The Owl (Problem Solving/Negotiating). If you act like an owl you initiate negotiations aimed at ensuring that you and the other person both fully meet your goals and maintain the relationship at the highest level possible. An agreement is sought that satisfies both you and the other person and resolves any tensions and negative feelings between the two of you" (pp. 240-1).

"Each conflict strategy has its place. You need to be able to use any one of the five, depending on your goals and the relationship. In deciding which of the five strategies to use within any one conflict, there are six rules to consider:

1. Do not withdraw from or ignore conflicts.

2. Do not engage in win-lose negotiations.

3. Assess for smoothing.

4. Compromise when time is short.

5. Initiate problem-solving negotiations.

6. Use your sense of humor" (pp. 242-3).

"There are six basic steps in negotiating mutually beneficial agreements:

1. Each person explains what he or she wants in a descriptive, non-evaluative way.

2. Each person explains how he or she feels in a descriptive, non-evaluative way.

3. Each person explains his or her reasons for wanting what he or she wants and feeling the way he or she does.

4. Each person reverses perspectives by summarizing what the other person wants and feels and the reasons underlying those wants and feelings.

5. The participants invent at least three good optional agreements that would maximize joint outcomes.

6. The participants choose the agreement that seems the wisest and agree to abide by its conditions" (pp. 256-7).

"To be persuasive we must be believable; to be believable we must be credible; to be credible we must be truthful." Edward R. Murrow (journalist) (p. 263).

"The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function." F. Scott Fitzgerald (writer) (p. 267).

"One completely overcomes only what one assimilates." Andre Gide (writer) (p. 274).

ANGER EXERCISE:

For the exam on this book you are required to do the exercise on pages 309-10 (exercise 9.2 Understanding My Anger). After your group does the exercise and discusses it with at least two other groups, then you as an individual are to write up your reaction to having done this exercise and turn it in on the date of the exam for this book and it will be counted as 50% of the examination score. Your reaction paper is to be typed, double spaced, and between one and three pages.

RULES FOR MANAGING ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY

Rule One: Recognize and acknowledge that you are angry.

Rule Two: Clarify the other's intent.

Rule Three: Decide what to do with your anger.

Rule Four: Express your anger directly when it is appropriate. "To express your anger constructively, you describe the other person's behavior, you describe your feelings, and you make your nonverbal messages congruent with your words. You focus on the problem (not the person), assert your anger without being aggressive, assess the impact of your anger on the other person, and let your anger go (so you are free from negative emotions)" (p. 302).

Rule Five: Express your anger indirectly when direct expression is inappropriate.

Rule Six: Analyze and reflect on your management of anger.

Suggestions for dealing with an angry person (pp. 327-8).

1. Do not get angry or aggressive back.

2. Give the other person the right to feel angry.

3. Recognize the other's anger is a sign of feeling weak and helpless.

4. Separate the other's anger from aggression.

5. Keep focusing your own and the other person's attention on the task or problem.

6. Use other emotions such as respect or affection to help the angry person regain control.

7. Present a rational explanation of the situation.

8. Model expressing anger constructively.

9. Talk to yourself.

10 . When you cannot handle a situation, seek help.

DIVERSITY

In order to build relationships with diverse peers, you must (p. 336):

1. Accept yourself.

2. Lower the barriers to building relationships with diverse peers.

3. Recognize that diversity exists and is a valuable resource.

4. Build friendships with diverse peers.

5. Highlight important mutual goals that require cooperative action and develop a common ground on which everyone is cooriented.

6. Clarify misunderstandings.

Frost would add another important building block:

7. Acknowledge your role as oppressor and stop denying your discriminatory behavior!

Remember the Thibult quote that I included in the notes from Chapter Four of your Kadushin textbook!

MANAGING AND OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS (pp. 365-369):

1. Do not fear anxiety.

2. Accept your fear and anxiety as natural feelings that are to be experienced but not fought or resisted.

3. Own your fear and anxiety.

4. Accept yourself as you are.

5. Recognize that fear is learned and, therefore, it may be unlearned.

6. Challenge the idea that you must worry over something unpleasant just because it might happen to you.

7. Avoid catastrophizing.

8. Remember that being afraid does not mean that you are crazy.

9. View the fear and anxiety as a problem to be managed and solved, not as a catastrophe to hide from.

10. Systematically desensitize yourself to the fearful situation by doing the following:

a. Learn how to relax systematically. A relaxed person cannot be an anxious person.

b. After you are relaxed, imagine yourself overcoming your fears by engaging in the behavior you are afraid of.

11. Flood yourself with actual expereinces of doing what you are most afraid of.

12. Distract yourself when the anxiety becomes too high.

13. Work on developing a broad view of life and a wide variety of experiences.

14. do not be afraid of being independent.

15. Accept reality...Every living creature has to go through some suffering...

16. Do not expect great improvement.

17. Others will be too busy to pay much attention to how you are doing on your self-improvement program. Reward yourself for your progress.

18. As you confront your fears, they will get worse for a while. Learning usually takes place in an erratic way, and you will never know from one time to the next just how you are going to do.

19. Watch out for spontaneous recovery. There is a strong tendency for neurotic symptoms to return after you think you have gotten rid of them. This usually means you have gotten careless about fighting your fear.

BUILDING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM (pp. 374-5):

1. Control your self-esteem through how you see yourself.

2. Set your own standards for evaluating yourself.

3. Set realistic goals.

4. Modify negative self-talk and attributions.

5. Emphasize your strengths.

6. Work to improve yourself.

7. Approach others with a positive outlook. Negativism toward yourself can result in negativism toward others. Faultfinding and criticism destroy relationships with others. They lead to tension, bitter exchanges, and rejection, which, in turn, lower your self-esteem. When you approach people with a positive, supportive outlook, you will promote rewarding interactions and gain acceptance. There is nothing that enhances self-esteem more than acceptance and genuine affection from others.

RISKS

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying, To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure. But risks must to be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.

They may avoid suffering, and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Only a person who risks is free. (Author Unknown)